Obsession: Craving Flashlights

Flashlights.  Who would think of flashlights as the subject of a passionate obsession?

I had no idea what was coming as I scanned the pages of Amazon for ordinary household flashlights.  Things have changed and I was about to discover another dimension, a new subculture of obsession. Flashlights!

It began when I bought a slender black flashlight from the local hardware store. It cost thirty bucks; a bit pricey but it was rechargeable via a USB cable, and it looked really cool.  The battery was included. The word “TACTICAL” was splashed all over its package, like this was some kind of ninja self-defense weapon. Indeed, it was solid black.    I liked its weight and heft, its balance and setup. As evening fell I took the gizmo into my office, turned off the lights and pressed the switch.

Holy Shit!  A circle of brilliant radiance spilled across the room like the light from a movie projector.  I was not expecting this. The flashlight had features like “zoom” and “strobe”, and, for all I knew, “kill” or “maim”.

I had, in effect, a Magic Wand. This was my introduction to the world of modern flashlights and those who love them.  The tech has changed.  Teeny LED bulbs can now emit awesome degrees of light, powered by modest Double A batteries.  Some devices have multiple LEDs in specially designed arrays. A handheld flashlight can light up a stadium.  This is power, which is hypnotically attractive. I needed another flashlight.  Maybe two, maybe three flashlights.  I went into the almighty catalogue, AMAZON, to peruse the flashlight market.

Now we get to the reviews. There are astonishing numbers of reviews for every goddam product on Amazon, from diapers to defibrillators.  It is possible to get a consensus about anything at all.  Want to buy a dildo?  Look up the many devices and their reviews.  Did this particular dildo do the job? Was it flexible enough or too unyielding?  Here is a real product with nearly 700 reviews.  It’s called “Rechargable Personal Wand Massager with 20 Vibration settings, variable thrust, flexion, USB port, realistic texture, suction cup, money back guarantee.” The pictures leave no doubt.  Personal wand massager my ass!

Why are these dildos so huge?  Where are the normal sized penis replicants that won’t cripple you?  I don’t know.  What does this priapic gigantism say about our culture? Never mind.  Let’s return to flashlights.

The reviews sometimes run to pages.  Everyone wants a voice, wants to be heard.  Maybe these reviews give people their voice.

Some of these new death-dealing tactical flashlights run to six hundred bucks.  What do you get for six hundred dollars that’s different from the thirty dollars I paid for my Litezall  field flashlight? Let me read the reviews.  Yes, the light is extremely bright.  Among its features there is an emphasis on self defense.  “Blind an attacker with the sudden flash of the Thrunite AB9000.”  Or, “The Fenix L20,000 will stun an assailant better than pepper spray.” Yes, they are brighter than shit.  You can’t use them at home if you have children.  Take one to an empty stadium. Another benefit of the six hundred dollar flashlight is its amazing battery life.  You could turn it on and leave it on for a week.  I don’t know when such a demand will arise: maybe some disaster will call out this flashlight’s virtues. Who needs a week of 9000 Lumens?

I have so much fun looking at flashlights online! I love it.  Just writing this article threw me back into my obsessive mode, as I compare the specs of hundreds of black anodized titanium flashlights.  I have six of these hand held monsters but my favorite is still the first one, the Litezall USB S2000. I’m also fond of my Gearlight ArcFlash, with its zoomable front lens, with its maximum light circle diameter of thirty feet.  Awesome!

These flashlights are made in China.  They’re well made, beautifully crafted. They’re impressive yet they’re affordable.  Thirty bucks for a light that can stop an advancing hippo?  Do it.

(For help withdrawing from flashlight addiction, contact “Nameless Flashlight Addicts, at the following website: http://www.myeyesmyeyes.com)