Writer’s Corner: Person & Tense

I recently wrote a short story for the upcoming Legends anthology. I wrote it in third person, present tense to give the tale a sense of immediacy. My beta reader sent back comments, saying that, while the story was a good one, the present tense put her off, as she does not care for stories in present tense. Who would have known?

I had a similar reaction when I first read The Hunger Games, which was written in first person, present tense. It really was a bit off-putting, particularly in the dialog tags when reading aloud. But as I got into the story, I became more accustomed to the style and by the end of the book, I hardly noticed it anymore. First person, present tense is difficult to write, because it must be done well, or it doesn’t work. I’m not that brave.

But, I have been playing around with third person, present tense, which I find a little easier to pull off. I like using present tense because it makes the story feel more immediate, pulling the reader into the story and helping to build suspense. I’ve been using third person, present tense in writing Marta, the third book in my Women in the West Adventure Series, although the first two books were written in third person, past tense. I felt using the present tense in Marta helped to build tension and move the story along.

After the comments from my beta reader, I am wondering if I should rethink that. Readers are put off by different things, and I realize I can’t please all of the people all of the time. But, if this is off-putting to one reader, how many others may feel similarly? If I do change it, that means going back and rewriting the three quarters of the story that is already written, roughly 55,500 words, but if it will turn away readers, perhaps it is worth the effort to go the other way.

So, I’m asking you. Please tell me how you feel about the passage below. Is first person, past tense off-putting to you? Would it be better in third person, past tense?

It’s a passage from chapter one of Marta, just a few paragraphs:

“Excuse me. Is this seat taken?” a man’s voice draws her attention away once more. She turns to see a man, fancily dressed, standing in the aisle and addressing her, indicating the seat next to hers. She had met the infamous Doc Holliday once during his stay in Leadville. This man is like him. She’d seen plenty of his type in Leadville. They dress like a dandy, and come to gamble, but they aren’t particular about how they come by their money and aren’t above working on the other side of the law, and they all carry guns on their hips.

The man is staring at her, expectantly, waiting for a response to his question. He had been polite enough to ask, and the seat wasn’t taken. How could she say no? “No sir, it is not,” she admits. She doesn’t own the train seat and can’t stop him from sitting there, but she doesn’t have to trust him. A woman traveling alone can’t be too careful.

She reaches down by her feet to be sure her carpet bag is still there. Not only does it contain all her money, but also the thirty-two caliber pistol which she purchased in Leadville. Before sitting up straight in her seat once more, she brushes her fingers over the top of her boot to check that her knife is still there, as well. That knife had saved her life with Franz, the dirty traitor, and it gives her comfort to know it was within reach.

He gives her a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes as he slides into the seat. “Why, thank you, Ma’am,” he says. “William Barnesby is the name, but my friends call me Bill.”

She plasters her best smile across her face and says, “I’m Marta Olmstead, and this young woman is Rose… uh… Dunbar, is it?” she says, looking toward the young woman.

“Yes, Ma’am,” she says, nodding her head and quickly averting her eyes from the gentleman, toward the window. Obviously, the man’s presence made Mrs. Dunbar uncomfortable, as well. But what could she do? The seat didn’t belong to her, and Mr. Barnesby had purchased a ticket just like everyone else on the train.

About Kaye Lynne Booth

For Kaye Lynne Booth, writing is a passion. Kaye Lynne is an author with published short fiction and poetry, both online and in print, including her short story collection, Last Call and Other Short Fiction; and her paranormal mystery novella, Hidden Secrets; Books 1 & 2 of her Women in the West adventure series, Delilah and Sarah, and Book 1 in her Time-Travel Adventure series, The Rock Star & The Outlaw, as well as her poetry collection, Small Wonders.

Kaye holds a dual M.F.A. degree in Creative Writing with emphasis in genre fiction and screenwriting, and an M.A. in publishing. Kaye Lynne is the founder of WordCrafter Quality Writing & Author Services and WordCrafter Press, where she edits and publishes two short fiction anthologies and one poetry anthology every year amidst her many writing projects. She also maintains an authors’ blog and website, Writing to be Read, where she publishes content of interest in the literary world.

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