Mind Fields: On Being Complete

I’ve lived in the world of my sexual fantasies for my entire adult life. This is normal reality for people young enough to still own a libido. As the years pass there have been physiological changes to my body. Libido is less intrusive, less commanding, and this comes as something of a relief after so many years of panting after sexually appealing humans. I’m seventy five years old. I’ve had enough sex in my life. Men born in the forties and fifties grew up entitled, so they thought, to all the sex they could get. Things have changed and sex is no longer a perk of the boomer male. Sex is more complex because we became aware (some of us) of the fact that women have been abused and treated with utter cruelty, apparently forever. There is no style of feminism that comes close to redressing that injustice. My fantasies pulled me away from my partner. We are the same age. She doesn’t’ conform to the image. She’s a granma. Of what sexual use is she? I’ve deleted post-menopausal women from my sex fantasy life. At least, that is, I’ve deleted her. She doesn’t want it.

SO….I’ve come to a decision to put away the fantasy. I don’t need it any more. This issue, the transition OUT of sexuality, is difficult. . I ‘ve been slow to release it and give it to the process of my emotional maturation. There is an evolution to such feelings. This inner transformation takes time and help from our therapists and peers. It’s been something of a wild ride for me but things are settling down. I’m revising my identity. I am an elder. I have been motivated by a sense of my having new tools at my disposal and new insights. I have a relationship right now that contains nothing of my fantasy elements. The relationship has problems. We’ve sailed along together and now as we get old we engage in our personal ways of aging. I’m good at self-care. Fox isn’t. We have unconscious areas of bitter conflict. I hope that Fox can recognize in herself this bitterness. My own shadow sits and watches. He doesn’t speak. He’s just there. A rage in a boiling rock.

I had burdened myself with a fantasy of falling in love with someone other than my partner. The fantasy of falling in love is powerful. It can be all enveloping, overwhelming. Its allure is its intoxication with a sensual element. Being in love is one of the most intense forms of pleasure that we will ever experience. Everyone wants those feelings of love: until they have them. Then, it is often a case of getting what you wished for and discovering its unintended consequences. A new vulnerability exists, and a new responsibility. Falling in love brings the possibility of confusion and devastating betrayal. Knowing this from personal experience leads me to a simple formula: one cannot make someone else happy. Don’t look for love to complete you. Be complete. It sounds so simple. It isn’t; but completion comes at the right time, when one has prepared the way for being complete.  Or so I hope.

About Arthur Rosch

Arthur Rosch is a novelist, musician, photographer and poet. His works are funny, memorable and often compelling. One reviewer said “He’s wicked and feisty, but when he gets you by the guts, he never lets go.” Listeners to his music have compared him to Frank Zappa, Tom Waits, Randy Newman or Mose Allison. These comparisons are flattering but deceptive. Rosch is a stylist, a complete original. His material ranges from sly wit to gripping political commentary.

Arthur was born in the heart of Illinois and grew up in the western suburbs of St. Louis. In his teens he discovered his creative potential while hoping to please a girl. Though she left the scene, Arthur’s creativity stayed behind. In his early twenties he moved to San Francisco and took part in the thriving arts scene. His first literary sale was to Playboy Magazine. The piece went on to receive Playboy’s “Best Story of the Year” award. Arthur also has writing credits in Exquisite Corpse, Shutterbug, eDigital, and Cat Fancy Magazine. He has written five novels, a memoir and a large collection of poetry. His autobiographical novel, Confessions Of An Honest Man won the Honorable Mention award from Writer’s Digest in 2016.

More of his work can be found at www.artrosch.com

Photos at https://500px.com/p/artsdigiphoto?view=photos

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This segment of “Mind Fields” is sponsored by the Roberta Writes blog site, where you can find the poetry, photos, videos, and book reviews by Robbie Cheadle and so much more.