“Enter Password”. Okay. I type in that which I remember as my password.
“Password Incorrect”. That’s what it says. Small wonder. I may have used a hundred different passwords this week, just to log into Google. I had a computer wipeout, a big one, and now my browsers have forgotten my cookies: they’ve forgotten my cakes, my donuts, and my fritters. I have to re-up the whole password thing.
“FORGOTTEN PASSWORD?” Click here. OK.…it says it will send a link to my email account.
R..uh R..oh. I need a password to get into my email account. I can’t recover my password until I recover the password to my email account. Is that a Catch-22? Yep, A classic!
I try guessing some of my go-to passwords, things that contained my year of birth. Sometimes I base a password on the Hebrew year. What year is this for Jews? It’s the twenty second of the month of Iyar, in the year 5780.
Yep. I think my password is Jew!5780. I’m a Jew. This is private humor, not chauvinism. Click. Wait a moment. Then: “Password Incorrect”. Passwords used to be simpler. That was before paranoia became normalnoia online.
Without the right password, I can’t do shit. I can’t even get into my email to collect my reset password. I’m screwed. The logical conclusion is that I need to invest in some password management software.
I buy Password Manager.
Enter Password, it says. I know, I’m supposed to invent one. My “master password” it’s called. When I click “enter Master Password” I am asked to fill out three pages of “Profile Information”. Remember when Profile was a bad word? Now you’ve got to have a profile.
I have a lot of folders on my outboard USB drives labeled “Bathwater”. I can’t name password list files as “Password List Files”. I call them “Bathwater1” or “Samurai9” “Let me see what I’ve got here. I’ve learned the hard way to date my entries into this file. I began this file eleven years ago and it’s gotten grotesque. Shit. Two hundred pages of passwords.
I have backup drives. I have USB devices containing mountains of data: tens of thousands of pictures, files of my writing work going back twenty years. I thought that getting a terabyte USB drive would give me space for a long time. Hah! How naïve! I’m looking right now at three USB drives containing ten terabytes of space. Yeah, available storage space, filling up fast.
If you’ve ever had a massive computer wipeout, I hope you’ve got a backup. The struggle you’re about to endure will drive you nuts! It is almost better not to have a backup. Almost.
My computer wouldn’t boot unless I did nutty things. Go into BIOS, re-arrange boot drives, that kind of stuff. This is a sure indication that my computer is a mess. The C: drive needs to be restored.
The backup software I use is called Acronis True Image. But today Acronis doesn’t see my backups. It isn’t True and it has no Image. I have other backups. I take no chances Maybe Windows can see the Windows Image Backup (that is, the WIB) that I made a few months ago. Oh, look! Windows sees it, there it is. The backup to the backup, thank god.
I’m a compulsive ‘backer-upper’. I back up everything to USB drives, discs, the Clouds, I back it up! In theory, I should be able to do a System Restore or recovery without much effort. I suspect that our entire universe is a backup!
I have six Acronis backups spread all across my drives. I found the most recent backup, clicked “Yes” on Acronis and then waited an hour and a half. I left my office for a while. When I returned I saw this message, which I now paraphrase: “Acronis worked its ass off to restore your backup but it couldn’t find ‘such and such’ a file and is unable to complete the restoration.”
It took me six hours of trial and error to reach this point. I wanted Acronis to work; mostly because it cost me seventy dollars when I bought it in 2011. Do I have an assumption? To whit: Windows products aren’t as good as outsourced software. The Windows defraggers, searchers, keepers, sleepers and beepers aren’t as good as software that costs a hundred bucks. Maybe I’m wrong; maybe Windows can get the job done. My “WIB” was waving at me. “Press OK and I’ll do it, FREE!” Windows 10 is waving at me and I’m too much of a snob to let it do its Thing.
I went to sleep without a functioning computer. I am seriously co-dependent with this machine. My sleep was interrupted by binges on chocolate bars. These candies shoved themselves into my mouth. They muted my frustration. In the morning I’ll punish their wrappers.
Here it is: another morning. I’m going to try my WIB, my Windows Image Backup. I think the folders are stored on USB drives “N”, “F” and “K”. I’m going into my files to do a search. “WIB BACKUP”. I enter the terms. Hoping, hoping. Not expecting anything. I’ve had so much failure this week that I’ve become apathetic. Jaded. But…..
Omigod. The search program sees my wib. My WIB! All right. Let’s see if this will do the job that Acronis failed to do. Let’s see.
“Do you want Windows Backup to restore your files?”
Hell yes! I’m desperate. I click “Restore Files” and watch as the dialogue window indicates that some mysterious work is being done. My WIB has been seen and has been pressed into service.
Fifteen minutes later: “Oh my fucking god!” It’s done. My computer has been restored with the humble Windows Image Back The Fuck Up from Windows Ten 64 bit Home Pro Edition and I am so thrilled and surprised. Why should I be surprised? It was that assumption, to whit: Windows software is no good. It’s got to be some hundred dollar hookah from which I puff.
Not so. Not so. Windows Ten took good care of me. If there’s a Windows Eleven or a Windows Twelve, I’ll be there, first in line to buy the damned software.
There’s no escape.
A Midwesterner by birth, Arthur Rosch migrated to the West Coast just in time to be a hippie but discovered that he was more connected to the Beatnik generation. He harkened back to an Old School world of jazz, poetry, painting and photography. In the Eighties he received Playboy Magazine’s Best Short Story Award for a comic view of a planet where there are six genders. The timing was not good. His life was falling apart as he struggled with addiction and depression. He experienced the reality of the streets for more than a decade. Putting himself back together was the defining experience of his life. It wasn’t easy. It did, however, nurture his literary soul. He has a passion for astronomy, photography, history, psychology and the weird puzzle of human experience. He is currently a certified Seniors Peer Counselor in Sonoma County, California. Come visit his blogs and photo sites. www.artrosch.com and http://bit.ly/2uyxZbv.
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