My experience of obtaining a balance with parental approval
Posted: March 11, 2020 Filed under: Children's Books, Growing Bookworms, Parenting, Reading | Tags: Growing Bookworms, Parenting, Reading, Robbie Cheadle, Writing to be Read 60 Comments
Growing Bookworms
I have two sons, both of which are quite different in their abilities and attitudes to life in general.
My oldest, Gregory, is a scholar. At the age of five he could read music and played the piano with some aptitude. At six, I taught him to read as he was frustrated by this inability and the schools in South Africa only teach reading during the year children turn seven. By the end of his second year of schooling, Greg had read all the series of books for young children I could think of, including Horrid Henry, Astrosaurs, the Little Men and Little Miss books, Secret Seven and many more.
I moved him on to other books, the Classic Starts series for children and during his third year of school, he started delving into some of the original classics. He also read all of the Shakespeare Junior Classics. The school enrolled him in a mathematics extension programme and he finished the entire additional workbook in two afternoons.
From a learning perspective, my oldest son is a dream. He works hard, perseveres and is determined to succeed. He is a lot like me. He shares my failings too. He only applies himself to things he enjoys, gets bored quickly and needs to be continuously challenged and stimulated. These character traits do not always provide for a peaceful co-existence with peers and colleagues, many of whom do not share our obsessive approach to work and areas of interest. My colleagues often ask me how I know so much about a certain topic and I will say: “It’s an interest of mine.” Greg and I are peas in a pod, we have many interests which we are very passionate about. Greg is not interested particularly in sport or socializing and does these things only when it is necessary.
My younger son, Michael, is different. Michael also likes to achieve, but his aims are tempered by a general enjoyment of life and friends and he likes to relax. He also likes to socialize and spend time with friends. School assignments are not a cause for concern until the day before they are due and, even then, they are approached in a slow and steady manner and not with panic. Michael doesn’t aim for distinctions and is very happy to achieve Bs and Cs on his progress report.
Michael is not particularly sporty, but he loves to join in with the whole “rah rah – all mates together” theme of an all-boys school and loves the war cries. He will break into a vibrant rendition of a war cry at the drop of a hat and I will be in stitches of laughter as he belts out the phrases at the top of his loud and currently breaking voice.
In summary, I am trying to bring up a complete overachiever and a happy go lucky Joe and get both through school, college and relationships.
The interesting thing for me is that both my boys have the same number of achievement certificates from their schools. Granted, Michael was at a remedial school until this year, and they do give awards for a greater variety of achievements, but Michael’s were generally in academic categories such as mathematics and Afrikaans.
With two boys as different as mine, it is not always easy to find the correct balance for encouraging and rewarding them, especially verbally. This past week, Gregory came home with 98% for his English examination and 93% for his mathematics examination. Michael came home with 60% for his Afrikaans examination and 75% for his English examination. I gave them both equal congratulations and made an equal fuss of their achievements. Other members of my social circle and family don’t always understand this approach. For me, I judge my boys’ achievements on their individual histories, attitudes and effort.
Gregory works very hard all the time. He has the intellectual ability to achieve very high marks and this, coupled with his work ethic, enable him in achieving excellent academic success. My worry for my older son is that he spends to much time working, gets to obsessed with achievement of his goals and struggles to balance other aspects of his life with work. In that way he is just like me.
Michael has a learning barrier and struggled to learn to read competently. He qualifies for a time concession for examinations and time will tell whether he need this or not. A child that struggles to read and write in his mother tongue, finds a second language extremely difficult. A remedial school focuses on the core subject of English and mathematics and the second language isn’t as much of a focal point. When we knew in 2018 that Michael would mainstream for high school, I got an Afrikaans tutor for him as I knew his abilities in that language were lacking. He has worked hard to get on top of his deficiencies.
When he started high school this year, Michael was one of the only boys, out of 150, that didn’t know anyone. He was the only boy who transitioned to his high school from his primary school. The first week was hard and he felt very tired. One the second day of school, the boys wrote an Afrikaans test to see what their level of proficiency in the language was and Michael failed. As a result, he is now attending extra lessons in this language at the school as well as at home. When he came home with a 60% result, I was ecstatic. This mark is an indication of his perseverance and resilience, and I will be delighted if he can maintain this mark for the next five years.
Obtaining his Afrikaans result on the same day as Gregory’s mathematics result made me reflect on the differences in my two sons and how I perceive their achievements. I my eyes, their achievements are equal as the input was equal.
This reflection on how we need to consider out children separately and not measure them against their siblings and peers inspired this post. Each of our children is special in their own way and each deserves to be measured against his own input and ability levels and not those of others.
About Robbie Cheadle
Hello, my name is Robbie, short for Roberta. I am an author with six published children’s picture books in the Sir Chocolate books series for children aged 2 to 9 years old (co-authored with my son, Michael Cheadle), one published middle grade book in the Silly Willy series and one published preteen/young adult fictionalised biography about my mother’s life as a young girl growing up in an English town in Suffolk during World War II called While the Bombs Fell (co-authored with my mother, Elsie Hancy Eaton). All of my children’s book are written under Robbie Cheadle and are published by TSL Publications.
I have recently branched into adult and young adult horror and supernatural writing and, in order to clearly differential my children’s books from my adult writing, I plan to publish these books under Roberta Eaton Cheadle. My first supernatural book published in that name, Through the Nethergate, is now available.
I have participated in a number of anthologies:
- Two short stories in #1 Amazon bestselling anthology, Dark Visions, a collection of horror stories edited by Dan Alatorre;
- Three short stories in Death Among Us, an anthology of murder mystery stories, edited by Stephen Bentley;
- Three short stories in #1 Amazon bestselling anthology, Nightmareland, a collection of horror stories edited by Dan Alatorre; and
- Two short stories in Whispers of the Past, an anthology of paranormal stories, edited by Kaye Lynne Booth.
I also have a book of poetry called Open a new door, with fellow South African poet, Kim Blades.
Find Robbie Cheadle
Blog: https://www.robbiecheadle.co.za/
Blog: robbiesinspiration.wordpress.com
Goodreads: Robbie Cheadle – Goodreads
Twitter: BakeandWrite
Instagram: Robbie Cheadle – Instagram
Facebook: Sir Chocolate Books
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Writing to be Read 
How true. The Wing Commander and the pysiotherapist now depend on their younger brother to fix up their houses. After avoiding education of any sort he has picked up many skills along the way. Because my brother was the same I totally accepted him being different!
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It is wonderful that our children are all so different.
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A terrific post Robbie and your sons are very lucky to have a mother who considers her approach to her approval in such a way… It is something that not all education systems allow for with a ‘one size fits all’ curriculum and examination process. Have pressed for tomorrow afternoon…thanks for hosting Kaye Lynne.
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Always a pleasure to have Robbie weigh in on things, Sally. She has a perspective different from my own from which I have learned much. My children are grown, but I can always support the promotion of reading, which “Growing Bookworms” always does well.
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Thank you, Kaye. I am a great believer in a good attitude with children and colleages, Kaye. If my colleagues have a good attitude, I will put myself out a great deal to help them when they struggle.
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You have demonstrated this time and again since I’ve known you, Robbie. I am grateful for all that you have done for me, and proud that you are a part of the WtbR team. 🙂
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Hi Sally, I wrote this post following my reflections on an article I read about mediocracy in the schools. I agree that there is some pandering to kids who don’t work hard and who are undeserving, but I think recognising children who have done their best even if they haven’t achieved a distinction is a good thing. It builds up confidence and rewards hard word and diligence. Not everyone can achieve 80s and 90s. Thanks for sharing, it is always appreciated.
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I agree Robbie. Basing approval on report cards alone is misguided. Some friends of mine at school who found some subjects like maths and physics went on to do extraordinary things… including being exceptional mothers. xx
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Some people are wonderful musicians, writers and artists and they can’t do maths. My sister isn’t good at maths but she is a talented copywriter.
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Exactly..xxx
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Vive la difference, Robbie.Your two sons sound like two to be proud of.
I have three sons. The eldest is very cerebral and artistic: at art, design, photography and writing. A real thinker, reader and ‘bleeds for the world… ‘ Has done much charity work. Our middle son is not as cerebral, moves at twice the pace of his elder brother. BUT he is a ‘people person’ and a ‘Del boy’ caring, with a good heart. Our youngest is a real ‘go getter,’ can turn his hand at many things (give him a piece of wood and he’ll make something…) He’s an imaginative designer and is said to ‘charm the birds from the trees.’ He is also generous. Now grown up, all three are worthy people I am proud of, and are lucky to have a good sense of humour. I love ’em all to bits. Aren’t we lucky Mums! xx
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We are indeed, very fortunate, Joy. My boys bring me a lot of pleasure and happiness and, so far, no grief and angst. Your boys sound terrific. We can’t all be the same or there would be no artistic endevours in this world which really needs them.
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Reblogged this on Robbie's inspiration and commented:
I am over at Writing to be Read with a post about my experience of obtaining a balance with parental approval. Thank you, Kaye Lynne Booth, for hosting me. I would love to know how others manage the variety of abilities and work ethics in their families so let me know what you think in the comments.
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Kudos on your parenting skills, Robbie. This parenting business is not for the faint of heart, but I think your approach is just right. You are right not to compare your boys’ achievements to one another. Your younger son may become more of a student as he matures and finds something he is passionate about. It may be harder for your older son to make friends, but hopefully, he can find his niche. I think it’s equally important to pay attention to our kids’ academic and social development.
Since you taught, I’m sure you realize how often this situation happens. I taught so many siblings over the years that were so different from one another. It can be especially hard on a less academically inclined child when the parents compare him/her to a sibling. The much wiser approach, which you are utilizing, is to have children focus on their own improvement. I know what was especially important to me besides the academic and social growth of our son was that he grew up to be a decent and happy person. We’ve had our share of challenges (all parents do), but we’ve managed to raise an independent young man (27) who makes us proud.
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It sounds like your son has turned out really well, Pete. My main aim as a parent is to have balanced and happy sons who fulfill their roles in society by becoming responsible and diligent employees [or entrepreneurs], husbands and fathers. If their path leads them on a different journey to the well worn one I have described, that is okay as long as the same principles apply.
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Amen! Keep it up, mom!
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My boys are a bit older, but you and I have faced very similar challenges, Robbie. It’s a struggle, but one I think you’re handling exceptionally well. You can’t compare one son’s progress to the other – they’re individuals and we all move along at our own speed and learn differently. Wonderful post!
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I wrote this post, Teri, following a bit of an epiphany when I realised that not all parents judge their children on their own merits. It gave me pause to reflect on how I feel about it and this post is the outcome. I am so glad you also approach parenting in this way. It seems so much more fair to children.
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Informative post, Robbie. I think you are doing the right thing, allowing each child to develop according to his own pace. Thank you, Kaye for featuring Robbie today.
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Hi John, thank you for reading and adding your thoughts. I am glad you also see separate development of children as being important.
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Thank you for visiting, John. I hope to see you here often. 🙂
It is always a pleasure to have Robbie share her expertise here on “Writing to be Read”.
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She is terrific. Serve bourbon and you won’t get rid of me.
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I would love to create a space where we could all drink wine and chat or read. Do you think they will figure out a way to download beverages soon? I’d be on it. Lol.
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Me too. 😁
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it’s wonderful that you have recognized the different learning styles and interests of each of your boys, and are committed to helping them succeed, however that is defined. I wish you continued success with Michael and Gregory!
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Thank you, Jim, I am glad, with your teaching experience, that you think this is a good approach.
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we have three boys, all with different interests and abilities, and somehow, they all seem to figure things out. they are all in their thirties now, and it has been wonderful watching them move through life…
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I have three sisters, Jim. It always amazes me how very different we all are despite the same upbringing.
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I’ve often thought the same thing. It’s that nature vs. nurture thing…
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[…] via My experience of obtaining a balance with parental approval […]
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Wise words on parenting and allowing each of our children to be his/her OWN SELF. Your approach is right on. Lucky boys. Lucky you to be their mom!
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We are blessed with our children, Pam. Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts.
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A fascinating post, Robbie. I only have one son so there was never the risk of comparisons. I think your approach sounds ideal.
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Hi Mary, it would be different with one child and, I suppose, also if you have more than two children. I am one of four but I don’t believe my mother ever compared us unfavourably to one another.
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You are such a great mom! This is the perfect attitude. I have seen so many young people with behavior issues and many times it is because the parents tried to make them something they are not. (Putting square pegs in round holes). And comparing siblings is never good. My son did not do well in school but now supervises 40 men on a road construction crew and earns a good wage. A great article.
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Thank you, Darlene, and for your endorsement. Kids are all different and it wouldn’t be a good thing if we were all the same. I try to appreciate their differences. I have seen pictures of your son and he looks like a contented man and that is what is the most important.
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So true. He is very contented. He has 4 great kids and 2 amazing grandchildren and plays in 3 bands. His life is good.
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I would say that you are an exceptionally good mother! What you’ve described is a hard balance to achieve for many parents, but it is so needed for children to grow up feeling good about themselves, their abilities, and their relationship with their parents.
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Hi Liz, many people want to impose their ideas of a good career choice or good life decisions on their children, regardless of aptitude and interest. I don’t think that is fair. Who wants to spend their life as an accountant if they hate working with numbers? I am to bring my boys up to make their own choices in line with their interests as I want them to be happy. Money doesn’t bring happiness and fulfillment. I can vouch for that and I have a high paying job.
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I was very fortunate to have parents who were of like mind with you.
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You are an inspiration, Robbie! Michael and Gregory are so lucky you understand, encourage them and work with them to reach their full potentials. Great parenting tips! 🙂 Sharing…
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Hi Bette, you are such a gem. Thanks for all your shares this week. I try to be a good and understanding mother and to bring out the best in my boys. If I achieve that, I believe I will have done the best I can for them.
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Thank you for a amazing and very motivation post, too. I will recommend it to all my acquaintances with children. Why i am not wonderful about you family wide interest in books and knowledge itself? 😉 Robbie, you are a gem, and gemstones are shining. :-)) Like my own eperiences told me, you cant always swim with the masses, when you want to have to reach you own goals. Have a wonderful weekend, stay free from the virus! Best wishes, Michael
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Thank you for your appreciation of this post and for sharing, Michael. I really value your support. My boys are following in the footsteps of their parents which is quite nice for us, but we do try to keep their lives and interests balanced. You too stay virus free and enjoy the weekend. Hugs.
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Thank you for your very kind workds, Robbie! Stay save, but do not forget the fun. 😉 Michael
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Absolutely, Michael.
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:-)) You too, Robbie!
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Fabulous, Robbie. The way you are treating your sons, tempering your praise to their individual achievements, is praiseworthy. I like the way you have explained it for others to understand the importance of doing the same for their children.
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Thank you, Norah. I wrote this post after reading some posts to the parent Whatsapp group at Michael’s new high school. Parents shouldn’t pressure their children to achieve things that they themselves could not achieve. We can’t live our lives through our children. My biological father was very artistic. He wanted to be a painter and go and study in France. His father made him go to University and study to be an accountant. He died young and never fulfilled his dream. I try to keep a balance in my own life between my corporate work and my creative life. I have learned to say no and put my foot down.
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I think it’s great that you speak up with so much wisdom for parents, Robbie. I’m sorry to hear about your biological father. That is very sad. I don’t think my father ever had the opportunity of living up to his potential either. I think there are far more opportunities for many of us (in the Western world anyway) today. Like you, we all need to learn when and how to say, ‘No’.
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Thanks Norah
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It is so important to celebrate every thing our children do, no matter how big or small or how well they do.
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Within reason, Tandy. I don’t believe in rewarding mediocracy but I do reward achievements.
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Tender and insightful, Robbie. They are lucky to have you adapt to their needs so beautifully. Success and maturity come in many forms.
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Thank you, Steve. Since I wrote this I now have both boys at home studying through a virtual classroom. I can’t believe how well they are both doing. It just goes to show that the right environment works wonders.
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Good to hear, Robbie. 😎
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This post is wonderful, Robbie. All children don’t fit into the same box. Your message of appreciating, encouraging, and enjoying (and of course loving) your children is a poster for parents, and especially for teachers.
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Thank you so much, Jennie. I have taken your idea of have dinner using Skype and we are going to have a children’s entertainment afternoon on Sunday. Each child in the family has to prepare something for the event, a dance, a book to read or an activity. Such fun so thank you for the idea.
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That will be so much fun! I’m sure everyone will have a good time.
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[…] discussed “Making Learning the Alphabet Fun“, “Reading and Mathematics“, obtaining a balance of parental approval, “Sir Chocolate and the Valentine Toffee Cupid“, the benefits of singing and rhyming […]
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